Day 18

I almost didn't make it to my class this morning! I woke up at 5:38am and I rushed to the studio to work out. I didn't make Monday or Thursday's class, and I wont be able to make it on Saturday. I have a membership to the Y, but I feel a lot better when I work out with a group, and an awesome trainer; that keeps me motivated. Maybe I should just go, and stop acting like a chicken!
Today's workout was BRUTAL! I was that only one grunting my way through it, and I felt like I was going to pass out! Every rep I tried to remind myself that this wont always be so painful, and once I build up more muscles the exercises will be easier.
I think that some of my judgments about myself are cause by all of the judgments that I hear from other people. I don't understand why the American society is so stuck on being skinny and beautiful. My whole life I grew up thinking that I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough because I didn't look like the models, or actresses on television. I used to spend hours in front of the mirror doing my makeup and hair, and I would try to make everything perfect. I was never satisfied with the outcome, and I would always compare myself to other women/girls. Sometimes I just wish that people would stop being so fake! It's not about what I look like; it's about how I feel, right? I need to let all of that self judgment go; I feel like I can't breathe with all of this self doubt surrounding me.
I can look within myself and find the person that I want to be, I just need to learn how to set her free.